Classifying “Fantasy Island” into a genre quickly becomes a fool’s errand — and one roughly as unsatisfying as the film itself. With its Blumhouse pedigree front and center, this cinematic remake of the 1970s and ‘80s TV show imagines itself as a horror movie. But “Fantasy Island” lacks scares, thrills, gore and practically every marker of the genre.

It’s no comedy either, despite the best efforts of perennial on-screen dirtbag and would-be comic relief Jimmy O. Yang. There’s not enough emotion or stakes to qualify it as a drama. Instead, the movie can only be classified as something truly terrible, escaping any other categorization that would make it resemble an actual film.

The concept should work in theory: taking the creaky bones of the television series that

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