Teachers Reveal Why They Are Quitting Their Jobs – The Onion

by | Aug 24, 2022 | Jobs

Amid budget cuts, restrictive curricula, and increasing threats to their safety, more and more teachers are opting to switch careers. The Onion asked teachers to explain why they are quitting their jobs, and this is what they said.AdvertisementPeter Cohen (6th Grade, Science)List slidesPeter Cohen (6th Grade, Science)“Oh, I’m not quitting. I’m just running away from a shooter.”AdvertisementJacqueline Chambert (School Librarian)List slidesJacqueline Chambert (School Librarian)“Everything but a 1997 Yellow Pages has been banned or taken away.”AdvertisementMarshall Craig (7th Grade, Math)List slidesMarshall Craig (7th Grade, Math)“Turns out in real life when you pose as a math teacher to covertly train students for the local battle of the bands, you actually get in a shit ton of trouble.”AdvertisementJeremiah Connell (9th Grade, Biology)List slidesJeremiah Connell (9th Grade, Biology)“The new district curriculum won’t even let me talk about how I created the universe.”AdvertisementDerrick Lacey (10th Grade, Health)List slidesDerrick Lacey (10th Grade, Health)“A Navy recruiter mistook me for a senior and offered me a pretty great package.”AdvertisementRalph Kuechly (4th Grade, Math)List slidesRalph Kuechly (4th Grade, Math)“There are at least five Twitch streamers in my class who make more than me.”AdvertisementPicklesby Boner Lord (7th Grade, English)List slidesPicklesby Boner Lord (7th Grade, English)“For some reason, I was never able to earn the children’s respect.”AdvertisementPeter Barnes (11th Grade, English)List slidesPeter Barnes (11th Grade, English)“Listen, I’m a Teach for America teacher. I was always going to quit.”Advertisement​Wes Cagnetto (11th Grade, Chemistry)List slides​Wes Cagnetto (11th Grade, Chemistry)“​Even the low, low pay wasn’t enough to compensate for the threats to my safety.”AdvertisementBryan Luck (12th Grade, English)List slidesBryan Luck (12th Grade, English)“I’m just ready to take my chances on getting gunned down in the private sector.”AdvertisementJesse Wilson (11th Grade, Math)List slidesJesse Wilson (11th Grade, Math)“The math was getting to be a little too hard for me.”AdvertisementFrancesca Spaulding (5th Grade, Humanities)List slidesFrancesca Spaulding (5th Grade, Humanities)“Three strikes law.”AdvertisementKaren Willis (3rd Grade, Music)List slidesKaren Willis (3rd Grade, Music)“Students don’t bring you apples nearly as often as mainstream media would have you believe.”AdvertisementWilliam Franks (5th Grade, English)List slidesWilliam Franks (5th Grade, English)“I get paid way too much money, and I’m starting to feel guilty about it.”AdvertisementErin Skye (9th Grade, Geometry)List slidesErin Skye (9th Grade, Geometry)“I just don’t know if lines and shapes are my real passion.”AdvertisementTerri Reynolds (4th Grade, Physical Education)List slidesTerri Reynolds (4th Grade, Physical Education)“Once you experience one school shooting, the next ones start to get stale.”AdvertisementGreg Malin (12th Grade, Biology)List slidesGreg Malin (12th Grade, Biology)“I cut a frog open, and it was disgusting. Not doing that shit again.”AdvertisementIrene Ressler (Kindergarten)List slidesIrene Ressler (Kindergarten)“Five-year-olds have no mercy, no capacity for morality. Each day I spend with them, I find myself slipping further from my own humanity.”AdvertisementKara Overlien (5th Grade)List slidesKara Overlien (5th Grade)“The tantrums, the bad behavior, the lame excuses… I just can’t deal with the parents anymore.”AdvertisementDavid Gonzalez (10th Grade, Geometry)List slidesDavid Gonzalez (10th Grade, Geometry)“I’m switching to a career in healthcare so I can experience the same amount of abuse for slightly higher pay.”AdvertisementMuneeb Syed (11th Grade, English)List slidesMuneeb Syed (11th Grade, English)“I tried to stand on the desk, like in Dead Poet Society, but I fell and broke my neck.”AdvertisementVictor Grayson (9th Grade, Physical Education)List slidesVictor Grayson (9th Grade, Physical Education)“It’s not that I don’t like kids. It’s more that I’ve grown to hate them.”AdvertisementAli Elsabbal (5th Grade, Art)List slidesAli Elsabbal (5th Grade, Art)“I thought I’d be working with animals, but then I realized that was a veterinarian’s job.”AdvertisementMarco Wagner (Kindergarten)List slidesMarco Wagner (Kindergarten)“Being a human footstool for a billionaire is going to be far less degrading.”AdvertisementFiona Lenore (8th Grade, History)List slidesFiona Lenore (8th Grade, History)“I’ve finally worked up the nerve to pursue my true passion of waiting tables.”AdvertisementErica Ramos (2nd Grade, Social Studies)List slidesErica Ramos (2nd Grade, Social Studies)“My second job offered me a living wage if I came on full-time.”AdvertisementJon Zavala (7th Grade, Biology)List slidesJon Zavala (7th Grade, Biology)“I got offered a position doing literally anything else.”Advertisement …

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